Why we need brothers who pray, lead and stay

I was fifteen years old in 1966 when I began attending church regularly. It was a Brethren Assembly. I loved the welcome. I loved the reverence. I loved the seriousness about the Word. But one thing puzzled me even then. The participation of women was very limited.

   In practice, when it came to gatherings that included adult men, it meant that the sisters could sing hymns, but that was about it. They did not pray aloud. They did not read Scripture aloud. They did not give a testimony. I remember hearing of a returning lady missionary who had laboured for years overseas. She was not permitted to give her report in the assembly. The men reported on her work for her. It was evident that women were every much as gifted as the men, but those gifts had to be channelled. It seemed strange to me, and it still does. This was not unique to one assembly. To some extent it was true in other churches as well. The strict interpretation was applied everywhere. The chief text was 1 Corinthians 14:34-35, about women keeping silence in the church. And that settled it for the male led assembly.

   Over the years two stories were told to me by men who influenced me greatly in my early days. I have never forgotten them because they show how far the pendulum had swung. The first was from a brother who used to organise missionary conferences. He wanted to invite women missionaries to give their reports first hand. Who better to tell the story than the person who had lived it? But some of the participating assemblies objected. They felt it was wrong for a woman to speak, even in that context. The result was painful. Some withdrew from the conference altogether rather than hear a sister give a missionary report.

   The second story was from a preacher who often preached in Brethren Assemblies. He was a good man and a faithful expositor. He told me that on a number of occasions he got the sack, not from the elders, but because he had said something in his preaching that upset the wife of the brother who was responsible for inviting the preachers. Because he had offended her, he was never invited back again. He used to recount it with a smile, but his point was serious. For all the talk of male headship, behind the scenes there was often a different reality. It showed, as he put it, the hypocrisy of what went on. I say that with no bitterness. I owe a great deal to those assemblies. They taught me to love the Bible and the God of the Bible. But I came to see that absolute silence went beyond what Scripture actually says.

   When I look back over sixty years, the change in the wider church has been gradual but unmistakable. In the mid-sixties, even in Nonconformist churches, women took little visible part in leadership. Over time that changed. Women began leading worship, leading prayers, chairing meetings, then preaching. In the Anglican church the progression was slower and more formal, from women readers, to deacons, to priests in 1994, to bishops in 2014, and now to archbishops. What was once unthinkable became normal within one generation. I should add that in more recent years I came across several “lady vicars”, especially during the course of my community activism, and despite my reservations when it came to the place of women in leadership, I found many to be admirable, who sought to serve God and others.

   With that change came two ways of thinking that every church has had to face. The first says this is a good thing. The key text is Galatians 3:28: “there is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither bond nor free, there is neither male nor female: for ye are all one in Christ Jesus”. On this view, any distinction between men and women in ministry belongs to the past culture, not to God’s will today. If the Spirit gifts women, the church should recognise it.

   The second says this is not a good thing, not because women are less gifted, but because the Bible teaches a pattern of male headship in the home and in the church. Texts like 1 Corinthians 11:3, Ephesians 5:23, 1 Timothy 2:12 to 13 and 1 Timothy 3 set out that the weight of oversight and authoritative teaching is given to men. This is not about value, for men and women are equal before God, but about responsibility. When men abdicate, women step in, often doing so admirably, but nevertheless to the shame of we men.

   The conviction I arrived at was that I held to a male only eldership and preaching, but not male only participation. We needed to honour what God had given to sisters without removing the responsibility God has given to brothers. When the Lord led me into a Strict Baptist church, I found what I felt was a more balanced approach. It held to male eldership and men doing the main teaching and preaching in mixed gatherings. It believed that the office of elder and deacon was for qualified men, as taught in 1 Timothy 3 and Titus 1. It believed that the responsibility for authoritative doctrinal teaching in the church was given to men, as in 1 Timothy 2:12. But it did not believe in male only participation.

   The New Testament shows us a better way. In 1 Corinthians 11:5, Paul assumes women are praying and prophesying in the assembly, with head covered. That is not possible if they are absolutely silent. In Acts 2 the Spirit is poured out on sons and daughters. In Romans 16 we meet Phoebe, Priscilla, Tryphena and Tryphosa who labour in the Lord. I sometimes put it like this: the New Testament shows women praying, prophesying, testifying, serving; just not bearing the weight of oversight and doctrinal teaching. So we must protect both. We protect the church from unbiblical leadership, and we protect the sisters from being silenced when God has given them something to say. A missionary report is not an elder’s authoritative teaching. It is a witness. And witnesses should be heard, going back to Mary at Jesus’ Tomb.

   That balance is important, but where are the men? For many years the statistics have told the same story. Men do not go to church. In the United Kingdom the long-term picture has been consistent. Research by Pew found that 15 percent of women attend weekly compared to 10 percent of men, and 45 percent of men say they never attend compared to 34 percent of women. A YouGov survey of over 7,000 adults found that on average 4.4 percent of adult men attend at least monthly compared to 5.2 percent of women.

   The familiar ratio has been two men to three women in the pews. Among single practising Christians it has been about two single, typically middle-class, women to every single man. Anyone who has pastored for any length of time knows what that means. It means prayers for husbands. It means godly women who would love to marry a Christian man and cannot find one. It means gifted women seeking outlets for their gifts and a desire to serve, yet denied.

   But something is changing, and this is why this chapter belongs in a book about history and hope as well as things we weren’t told. The Bible Society survey of 13,146 adults in late 2024, often called the Quiet Revival, found that church attendance in England and Wales has risen from 8 percent in 2018 to 12 percent in 2024. That is from 3.7 million to 5.8 million. And the most striking rise is among young men. Among 18- to 24-year-olds, 21 percent of young men now attend at least monthly, up from 4 percent in 2018. Young women in the same age group have risen too, from 3 percent to 12 percent, but the men have overtaken them. Among white 18- to 34-year-old men specifically, the figure is 18 percent monthly compared to 3 percent in 2018. For the first time in living memory, young men in Britain are more likely to be in church than young women. This gives me hope and presents a challenge.

   But why have men been absent for so long? The reasons given are often these: Church has sometimes felt sentimental rather than strong. Much of the language has been about romance rather than warfare, about feeling rather than truth. Men who want challenge, purpose, mission, brotherhood and clear Bible teaching have not always found it. They have found it online, where theologically driven channels are often 55 to 86 percent male, but not on Sunday morning. There is another reason closer to home. Men have reneged on their role. We have stepped back. Then there is a lack of fathers in the home due to marriage breakdown, often leaving children without a male role model, and also changing work patterns, e.g., Sunday working, and alternative attractions on Sunday, e.g., football, have been a big factor.

   We men have left the spiritual leadership of the home to our wives. We have left the prayer meeting to the sisters. We have left the Sunday School and doing good works in the wider community to the sisters. Then we wonder why sisters are prominent in these areas. They are prominent because there is a vacuum. And that is to everybody’s detriment, for the masculine part of the Body is too often missing, and that isn’t how it was meant to be.

   The Bible calls men to act like men. 1 Corinthians 16:13 tells us “Watch ye, stand fast in the faith, quit you like men, be strong”. That is the balance. Strong and loving. Courageous and tender. That is what our homes need. That is what our churches need. That is what our communities need. That is what our nation needs. When men do not lead in the home, the family drifts. When men do not lead in the church, the church loses it edge and becomes unbalanced. When men do not lead in the community, the community loses its backbone.

   My dream is not that women are put back in a box. My dream is that men come back to their post. I dream of brothers who pray. Not just the sisters at the prayer meeting, but men who know how to cry to God. I dream of brothers who lead. Quietly, firmly, without bluster, taking responsibility for their home, opening the Bible at the table, leading their family to the house of God. And I dream of brothers who stay. Who do not flit from church to church, but who put down roots, bear with their brothers, serve, give, and stay the course.

   The irony of the two stories I told earlier is this. In one, sisters were not allowed to speak. In the other, a sister behind the scenes decided who could speak. Both are symptoms of the same problem – men not taking biblical responsibility. The Quiet Revival among young men gives me hope that God is about to change this. Young men are tired of being told to be less. They want a cause worth dying for and a faith worth living for. They will not find that in a church that is ashamed of manhood. They will find it in Jesus Christ, the true man, who was strong and gentle, full of truth and grace. May God give us such men again.